Navigating a long-term relationship after someone within the relationship has been unfaithful is a challenge. Most would agree that sexual affairs are infidelity. But what about sending flirty text messages? What about if your partner accumulates a large debt by taking out several loans without your knowledge? Does connecting with an ex over social media or maintaining an online dating profile even though you are already in a relationship count as a betrayal? The answers to these questions will depend on who the people in the relationship define infidelity.
When someone is unfaithful, it causes intense feelings of betrayal and pain, which shakes the foundation of a relationship or marriage. Infidelity is one of the most challenging relationship issues that couples ever address in counselling and therapy. Not every relationship will survive it, particularly if one or both partners aren’t able to let go of the pain. However, when each partner is fully committed to healing, the relationship can survive, and sometimes, the journey may result in deeper-rooted emotional intimacy and a resilient relationship.
Learn further about infidelity in relationships, why affairs happen, and how psychotherapy can help move past the hurt, regardless of whether the relationship is reconciled or it ends.
What is Infidelity?
We cannot define infidelity as a specific, distinctly defined situation. What can be considered infidelity for one couple can be different for another. Would emotional connection without sex be considered infidelity? What about online relationships or online sexual activities?
Each individual and each couple needs to define what infidelity means to them within a relationship, and what could be the cause of this infidelity.
Why Affairs Happen
Infidelity doesn’t discriminate. It happens in all kinds of relationships and marriages, including those that seem happy and those that have issues. It may happen due to a variety of reasons, including:
- Lack of affection
- Loss of affection, love, and care for each other
- Exhausted commitment to the relationship
- Failure of communication about emotional and relationship needs
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- Physical health issues, for example chronic pain or disability
- Mental health issues, for example depression or anxiety
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- Problems that aren’t addressed in the relationship, such as fear of intimacy or avoiding conflict
- Major life changes, for example becoming first-time parents or children leaving for college
- Stressful periods, for example when needing to spend long periods of time apart
You’ve ticked off a box or two off this list of reasons for infidelity. So, what happens when you find out an affair has happened?
Discovering an Affair
Big emotions are triggered for both partners when the affair is discovered. The betrayal of trust and loss of emotional safety is severely felt by the one who was cheated on. The person who had the affair may fear they will never be forgiven. When an affair is discovered, both parties will not have the headspace to think clearly to make long-term decisions.
Take into consideration the following:
- Don’t make any impulsive decisions. If you think you might be at risk of physically hurting yourself or someone else, seek professional medical help right away.
- You each need space. Discovering an affair is intense. While trying to grasp what happened, you may find yourself acting unlike yourself in unpredictable ways or doing things you normally wouldn’t. Give each other time. Try avoiding emotionally stimulating conversations going into the healing process.
- Seek out support. It helps to share your experiences and feelings with those you trust such as friends and loved ones who support and encourage you. Avoid those with bias, criticisms, and judgments.
- Take your time. Even though you may have an intense need to understand what has happened, don’t go into the intimate details of the affair right away. Doing so without the guidance of a professional, like a marriage counsellor, may be harmful.
Let’s suppose by this point you’ve taken the time you need and you’re both feeling ready for marriage or couples counselling. What goes into the healing process?
Mending a Marriage
As mentioned before, recovering from infidelity can be one of the most challenging times in a relationship. This can come with mixed feelings and uncertainty. As you rebuild trust, take responsibility for your actions, resolve conflict, and forgive, the process may strengthen and reinforce love and affection.
Consider these steps in promoting healing in your relationship:
- Take your time. Before choosing to reconcile and continue or end a relationship, take your time in healing and understanding what was behind the infidelity.
- Take accountability. If you were the one behind the infidelity, take responsibility and end the affair (if it hasn’t already been ended).
- Seek professional help. In particular, talk to a licensed therapist who is trained and experienced in marital issues including dealing with infidelity. Marriage counselling puts the affair in perspective, identifies issues that may have contributed to the affair, teaches you ways to rebuild and strengthen your relationship, helps avoid ending your relationship (if that is your goal), or helps you cope with the end of it.
- Seek help from several resources. This can include support from non-judgmental friends and family members. Spiritual leaders (if you practice) may also be helpful if they have training in marriage counselling. Not all books can be helpful, so ask your therapist or other professional for recommendations.
- Slowly restore trust. Creating a plan for restoring trust that can lead toward reconciliation may help, or it may aid in realizing when and if the relationship needs to end. Make an agreement on a timeline and process. If you were the one behind the infidelity, admit guilt and seek forgiveness; if it was your partner, offer forgiveness when you are able. Seek understanding together.
When both of you are committed to healing the relationship, the reward may be a new type of relationship that continues to grow and likely go beyond. Keep in mind that it will take the two of you to reconcile, and that if only one of you is committed, the better path may be to part ways.
Psychotherapy for When You’re Ready to Move Past the Hurt
Infidelity counselling aids in rebuilding trust between partners with developing open and honest communication. Using therapeutic techniques and exercises, couples can address emotional wounds caused by infidelity, which helps both betrayed and betrayer in healing. Providing a safe space for the expression of feelings, couples counselling allows individuals to work through their pain and anger and slowly rebuild the emotional connection that is essential for a healthy relationship.
Healing from infidelity takes time. Couples counselling can be a fierce tool to aid in moving past the hurt towards a path of recovery, whether that path leads to the relationship’s reconciliation or conclusion.
At Hopewoods, our counsellors and therapists are here for you and your partner when you’re ready to heal your relationship. Getting started with couples counselling can be a challenge, which is why we offer free consultations and resources.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding our psychotherapy sessions for couples, assessments, or other services that we offer, 立即联系我们 或 预约 30 分钟免费咨询.
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