Is this the time of year you dread seeing other members of your family? Do holiday family gatherings cause you extra stress and anxiety? You’re not alone.
What happens when suddenly families are gathered together with so much free time? For many, conflict ensues. Gentle teasing gets taken too far. Issues that were never dealt with that have been festering over time come bubbling to the surface.
It doesn’t have to be this way. If you and your family are struggling to get along this holiday season, we’ve got a few ways to combat family-central disputes and conflicts that may arise over the coming weeks.
De-escalating Disputes Before They Become Holiday Woes
When you find yourself heading towards conflict with family, here are some things you can do.
Change Your Role Within the Family
There are long-standing patterns that have developed over the years, with each member playing a part. One way to cope is to step out of the traditional role you’ve played within your family.
- If you’ve been known to play the role of peacekeeper, surrender the responsibility of facilitating fights between other members of the family. Take time to reflect on your own behavioural patterns, mental health needs, and boundaries, and be firm yet fair in your stance to not engage in such conflicts.
- If you find yourself often in conflict with other members of the family, give yourself a challenge to stay calm and know there is a difference between assertive and aggressive communication.
- If you shut down during conflicts, try to engage with other members of the family.
- If you tend to leave when others fight, consider staying and seeing it through. If you leave each time, you may not get a chance to see the reparations that happen after the fight.
Establish Three Things You Each Want the Other Person to Hear
Without interrupting each other, each person takes a turn in speaking three things they want to share. Really take the time to listen to each other. Expect to hear something you’re not in agreement with and be prepared to focus on what they’re saying anyway without reacting.
Be Curious and Keep an Open Mind
Try to understand what the other person’s values are and how they’re feeling in that moment. Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Avoid “why” questions, as they can be perceived as judgmental or challenging. “Tell me more about this,” is a simple way to make the conversation more engaging.
Talk About the Impact
Focusing on the impact of the conflict or circumstance on you or someone you love means you are less likely to trigger defensiveness in the other person.
Acknowledge There is More Than One Solution
Try to come up with at least two ideas or suggestions to move forward, or to find a compromise.
Focus on the Positive
If you’re not able to agree on what happened in the past, shift the focus to what you can agree on moving forward. If both people follow what they agree to (more likely when they create terms together), it can do a lot to repair their relationship and rebuild trust over time.
Adjust Attitudes
When you worry about upcoming gatherings before they even start, it creates internal anxiety. If you can focus on the behaviours that reduce your anxiety, it will make you feel better and more at ease. Do something that will help you relax before a big family event or gathering, like practicing yoga, meditating, or listening to music.
Have Realistic Expectations
If you know that a relative treats you with disrespect and you know they won’t change, it may be best to limit your contact with them. Don’t expect people to change when they have behaved the same way for years. Spend more time with those who bring you up rather than down.
Set Boundaries
People tend to bring up subjects without thinking about the impact they have on others. “When are you two going to get married?” “Are you planning on having children?” Contrary to popular belief, these questions are not harmless. They are none of the family’s business.
Be clear with your communication about your boundaries, whether they include being asked these questions or not. Your family are not mind readers, so hinting around at things because you think they “know you” just won’t do. If you don’t want to do something or talk about something, be clear and concise.
Keep Certain Topics Off the Table
Not only does this apply to your own boundaries, but also this should apply to the entire family. Depending on your household, come to an agreement to keep certain topics off the table.
You Can Control Your Reaction
You cannot stop others from bringing up topics that make you uncomfortable, despite setting the boundary to do so. What you can do is control how you react to these situations. No one can force you to participate in these conversations. You can try and change the topic, and if they persist, you can excuse yourself and walk away.
Caring for Your Needs During Holiday Conflict
If you’re the one who usually hosts holiday events, you may find yourself doting over everyone. But sometimes we forget the most important part of any holiday, which is rest and self-care. When it comes to conflict during the holidays, it’s easy to become harder on yourself, and self-care can get pushed even further on the back burner.
Here are some things you can do for yourself during the chaos of conflict, in the event it does happen.
Drink in moderation
Some people become more agitated and argumentative when they’ve been drinking. Their tense emotions can be heightened especially during this time of year. If you do drink, moderate how much you take in around the holidays. Avoid those who drink in excess as best you can, and remind others to drink in moderation as well.
Stay Active
Staying active doesn’t mean you have to stick to your full gym routine; you might not have enough time during the holidays to do that. Instead, take a moment sometime during the day to yourself to get your workout in, and then take some time to go for a walk, watch a holiday movie, or play games with the family later.
Practice Gratitude
Take some time to reflect about what you have today: delicious food, warm home, good health, good friends. If we focus on the things we value and enjoy, we can diminish the effects of anxiety.
Practice Tolerance
We all do things that irritate others, some of which we’re probably not aware of. Try to be tolerant of others’ behaviours and quirks, and don’t take them too personally.
Bring Happy Reminders
Restoring stress can be as easy as looking at a favourite photo or a funny text message from a friend. When things become stressful, plan a moment to yourself for a break, and look at something that reminds you of happier times.
Take Deep Breaths
If you are unable to leave a stressful situation, you can always focus on your breathing. Focus on breathing in and out, paying attention to each breath.
Other Self-care Practices
Some other practices you can try in order to better take care of yourself during this stressful time can include:
- Getting enough sleep
- Make sure you’re regularly fed
- Listen to music that brings you joy
- Give yourself space for downtime each day (if you can)
- Watch your favourite movie
Support Matters
If you come from a family that is prone to conflict and you’re unable to avoid it during the holidays, make sure you reach out to people for support. Chat with your best friend or partner, or make an appointment with your therapist.
Is it Time for a Family Therapy Session?
If your family is feeling overwhelmed, and you feel like the conflicts may surpass the holiday, it may be a good idea to reach out for support. Mental health professionals such as counsellors and therapists have the knowledge, experience, and tools to offer insight, coping strategies, and conflict resolution.
This holiday season, whether you’re in need of some one-on-one support during this difficult time of year, or you’d like to try and resolve some issues as a family, if you’re searching for a therapist in the Greater Toronto Area, our staff at Hopewoods is here for you.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding our psychotherapy sessions, assessments, or services that we offer, contact us today or book a free 30-minute consultation.
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