For Couples, For Individuals, Support

Walking on Eggshells: The Silent Toll of Emotionally Unsafe Relationships

Do you ever feel like you have to tiptoe around or “walk on eggshells” around your spouse, partner, or significant other?

For example, let’s say you’re about to share something straightforward with your spouse. It could be about your day, a choice you made, or something you need. However, just as you’re about to speak, you start thinking: What’s their mood like? Is this going to start a fight? Should I not talk to them right now? Is there a better way to say what I have to say, or do I have to keep quiet?

On top of this thought process, this reaction has become so instinctive that you don’t even notice it anymore. You’ve mastered the art of reading the atmosphere, managing their feelings, and adjusting your approach to keeping things peaceful. It feels like you’re tiptoeing around a landmine.

Perhaps you’ve begun to question if you’re the issue. Are you too sensitive, too demanding, too much to handle? Because when you do mention something and it doesn’t go well, that’s often the feedback you receive: “You’re overreacting.” “You’re blowing things out of proportion.” “Maybe if you communicated better, things would be fine.”

Here’s the reality: if you’re “walking on eggshells” in your relationship, it’s not just a communication issue—it’s a safety issue.

And it’s important to understand why this is happening, the effects of the silent toll of emotionally unsafe relationships on your mental well-being, and what steps you can take to address it and then get the help you need.

Signs You’re Walking on Eggshells in Your Relationship

In order to better recognize the situation, it’s worth identifying the habits you may have formed unconsciously. Here are some typical signs that you’re likely walking on eggshells in your relationship:

You often find yourself in arguments that escalate quickly or feel overwhelming.
You’re cautious about your actions, words, and tone of voice.
You often feel nervous when you have to interact with them.
When your partner/spouse reacts explosively, they rarely or never apologize afterwards.
You usually feel like you have to manage their emotions, e.g., “If I could just be quieter while unloading the dishwasher when they’re watching TV, they won’t be disturbed and everything will be fine.”
You feel like nothing you do is ever good enough for them, and anything you do or don’t do triggers an upset response.
You hold back your own needs and feelings to maintain harmony; for example, you might think it’s better to keep quiet about significant issues rather than risk upsetting your partner.
You always feel a sense of relief when your partner is in a “good mood.”
Friends and family have noticed how your behaviour changes around them.
You feel afraid of your partner/spouse.

While this might be an unhealthy behaviour pattern that can be changed, walking on eggshells can also be a sign that the relationship may be emotionally unsafe or even abusive.

The abusive partner/spouse might be using their unpredictable moods as a means to control you.

Understanding the Development of This Dynamic

Walking on eggshells often stems from a trauma response. When you’re in an unstable environment, you might find yourself relying on people-pleasing behaviours to avoid conflict or abuse.

An emotionally unstable partner can lead you to adopt this walking on eggshells behaviour for various reasons:

They’re emotionally reactive. During stressful times, people who are emotionally reactive struggle to handle their feelings properly. They might overreact by yelling, getting angry, or saying things they regret later. This kind of emotional dysregulation could be something they learned in childhood, a sign of a mental health issue, or emotional immaturity.
They may struggle with intense emotional sensitivity or difficulty regulating emotions. It’s not unusual to walk on eggshells when you’re in a relationship with someone who has BPD. A partner/spouse with this disorder can be especially sensitive to anything negative, meaning even minor issues can lead to intense reactions.
They may have patterns of behaviour that feel controlling or emotionally unpredictable. Narcissists are often unpredictable and manipulative, using guilt and blame to achieve their goals. A malignant narcissist might even take pleasure in humiliating or hurting you, making you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid their wrath.
Past experiences or unresolved stress may affect how they respond emotionally. Unresolved PTSD can lead to challenges in managing emotions and impulses, resulting in sudden mood swings and angry outbursts. It can feel like you’re living with someone completely different.
You might have a trauma bond. A trauma bond is the emotional connection that a victim of abuse can develop towards their abuser. Besides making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, your partner likely shows some positive behaviours as well. It’s those moments of affection or calm that give you hope and prevent you from making necessary changes.

Other reasons

If you notice that you’re tiptoeing around a partner whose actions don’t really call for it, it could stem from bad experiences in a past relationship or even from your childhood. For example, having a parent who was unstable and unpredictable might make you anxious and overly alert in your adult relationships.

In the same way, a fear of rejection, an insecure attachment style, or general anxiety about relationships might lead you to be cautious and steer clear of conflict instead of standing up for yourself or voicing your needs in a relationship.

The Impact of Emotionally Unsafe Relationships

Living with someone who is unpredictable and volatile with their emotional reactions can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. It can also affect the well-being of other family members, such as children. When one person is walking around on eggshells, it creates a tense and emotionally uncomfortable environment that influences everyone in the house.

Instead of keeping the peace or dodging conflict, walking on eggshells in your relationship can lead to some serious issues:

Chronic stress. The sensation of always being on high alert is both physically and emotionally draining. It leaves you feeling overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted, affecting your sleep, memory, and decision-making. Additionally, chronic stress can increase your chances of developing intense anxiety, depression, and burnout.
Compromised physical health. Not only does walking on eggshells increase stress levels, but bottling up your feelings can also lead to resentment and frustration, weaken your immune system, and affect your heart health.
Loss of identity. When you can’t express your true thoughts and feelings to your partner, it can feel like you’re losing who you are. You feel invisible and unheard in the relationship.
Low self-esteem. Constant criticism and put-downs hurt your confidence and self-worth.
Sense of powerlessness. Ongoing fear and conflict can make you feel helpless and powerless against your partner’s outbursts, which only adds to your stress and damages your self-esteem.
Isolation. Your friends might feel uneasy in the tense environment of your home. In an abusive relationship, your partner might use their mood swings and outbursts to control you and keep you away from your friends and family.
Trauma. You don’t have to be physically harmed to feel trauma. The ongoing stress, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, and emotional strain from being around a volatile partner can be psychologically distressing or potentially traumatic.

When to Ask for Help or Walk Away

Having one person walk on eggshells around the other in fear of sparking an outburst creates an unhealthy relationship dynamic that’s hard to maintain over time. Something has to change, whether it’s about setting boundaries and finding your voice, or stepping back from the relationship in order to heal. Figuring out what’s best for you largely depends on whether this pattern is part of emotional abuse or a communication issue that can be addressed.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that not all abusive relationships involve physical violence; emotional abuse is just as harmful. It can wear down your self-esteem, undermine your independence, and leave you feeling trapped and powerless. Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe in this relationship?” “Do I feel acknowledged and understood?” “Do I feel so poorly about myself that I think I deserve to be emotionally hurt?”

Red flags indicating that your walking on eggshells might be a sign of a toxic or abusive relationship include:

You frequently feel scared of your partner and worry about upsetting them.
Your partner/spouse’s outbursts are aggressive, violent, and humiliating.
They attempt to control where you go and/or what you do.
They display excessive jealousy and possessiveness.
They threaten to harm you, your children, and/or your pets.
They treat you so poorly that you feel embarrassed for your friends or family to see it.
Your partner/spouse disregards your opinions and belittles your achievements.
Your partner/spouse blames you for their own poor behaviour, choices, and actions.
Your partner/spouse gaslights you into thinking their behaviour and responses are your fault.

Signs that it could be a fixable communication issue include:

Your partner takes some accountability for their actions instead of blaming you for everything.
They show a genuine willingness to change.
They’re open to the idea of couples counselling.
You both can “fight fair,” getting upset with each other while still being respectful.
You’re both ready to put in the effort to improve the relationship.

Create a Safety Plan

No matter whether you’re considering ending the relationship or not, if your partner/spouse makes you feel unsafe, it’s crucial to have a safety plan ready. This can involve putting together an emergency bag with cash, clothes, and other essentials that you can quickly grab if you ever need to get away from a risky situation.

Seeking Support

Healthy relationships don’t involve constantly checking in on someone else’s mood or changing who you are just to make the other person happy. They’re also not supposed to make you feel anxious, nor should they involve your being responsible for how someone else feels. If you’re feeling this way, it’s a good idea to seek support to understand what’s going on and decide what you want to do next. You don’t have to remain trapped in this cycle, and you certainly don’t have to navigate it by yourself.

At Hopewoods, we provide couples therapy if your partner is open to working on the relationship, as well as individual therapy to help you gain clarity on your situation, establish boundaries, process your own experiences, and make informed choices about the relationship. You can’t change someone else. However, you can change your reactions, what you’re willing to tolerate, and where your boundaries lie. Many couples find that individual therapy also equips them with the necessary tools and support, even if their partner/spouse chooses not to engage.

If you have any questions or you need to seek support as soon as possible, contact us today or book a free 30-minute consultation.